Scorpion Time!
by benjaministheloneliestnumber
Summary: What will happen when Walter O goes after the crew from Hackers?


Walter O, or as those who were privy to his super secret life wherein he saves the world knew him, Scorpion, was sitting at his expensive, exclusive, totally unique desk using his just as expensive, exclusive and totally unique workstation which was made with real crays and used vegemite as thermal paste.

He was working on his plan to solve the world's dependence on oil and simultaneously working on this theory to reverse entropy. This might seem like a lot for an ordinary person to deal with but Walter was no ordinary person. He could multitask better than anybody on the planet and type one handed utilising two keyboards at the same time. Like a dolphin. Or someone that's had a stroke.

He had an IQ of 197 so by dividing his attention he could do the work of two people, both with an IQ of 98.5 - However Walter had invented a new type of math so his divided attention was actually EIGHT TIMES AS MUCH as his regular IQ. Also Walter had an IQ of 197. In case that wasn't mentioned.

It all seemed like a regular day when suddenly this presidential alarm went off.

Standing up and reacting quicker than a spider, Walter shouted to the team of intellectual elite he had assembled.

"It's the presidential alarm! It's Scorpion time!"

"We should go and help out" said the generic hot girl Walter had found in a café and added to his team for no real reason.

Everyone ignored the alarm for a moment and turned to pay attention to the generic hot girl. Because she was hot.

With a solemnness that would rival Abraham Lincoln she continued…

"But also be polite about it!".

"Right!" said Walter. "Team Scorpion, AWAY!"

Running towards the scorpion copter Walter started shouting… "The fate of the world is in our hands! – Also, did you know…"

The whir of the engines almost drowned out what he was saying but Walter adjusted the frequency of his speech so it cancelled out the noise of the helicopters rotors and made him audible.

"…I have an IQ of 197".

Across town Crash was using a laptop attached to a pay phone.

"Stop using all the bandwidth!" He shouted to Angela Jolie who was browsing adoption websites.

"Why?!" she shouted back. "What are you doing that's so important?"

"I'm adjusting the audio sync on a major news network in order to be slightly annoying to a small number of people."

A soft "whoop whoop whoop" started to sound. Looking up, Crash and his crew saw a helicopter converging on their position.

"It's the fuzz!", he screamed. "Let's cheese it!"

Abandoning their position Crash and his crew started roller blading away down the street, past the bus stop, past the street vendors, past the preachers, the Christians, Buddhists and Haitians and also past The Prodigy who had abandoned their commercial music career and taken to a life of vagrant busking.

Back on the helicopter Scorpion was on line with the president.

"Yes sir, we'll get them. I understand we can't let them get away with such a terrible crime."

Scanning the live feeds in front of him he could see the targets getting further away. "Scorpion Team, Report!" he shouted.

"They are all exhibiting a typical Walter Bradford Cannon response to their current situation, instead of taking the fight option they've decided to take flight!" shouted their behavioral analyst.

"They're all equipped with locomotion devices that seems to have no identifiable power source and consists of several circular plastic alloys arranged in a linear manner!" said his mechanical engineer.

"If we get in front of them and be where they're going I predict a 100% chance we'll be able to make contact!" the chessmaster-cum-statistician said. "But unless we can go faster we'll need to find a way to decrease their velocity relative to the ground!".

"We should try and slow them down!" said the generic hot girl from the café.

"Right!" said Walter. "Deploy the zero friction bucky balls!"

"Zero Friction Bucky Balls!?" the engineer said in an exasperated manner. "But they don't exist yet!"

"They didn't" said Walter, lowering the glasses from his forehead.

"Until I made them last week".

In addition to the zero friction bucky balls Walter had also invented a new type of glass that looked like sunglasses but corrected all vision problems and also let him see at night.

Kinetic powered missiles slammed into the ground near Crash and his crew spewing bucky balls all over the place, causing them to all fall over in a funny manner.

The helicopter landed near them and out stepped some douche in a black jacket wearing sunglasses.

"Crash. My nemesis." Said Walter, walking up and raising a weapon.

"You!". "You can't do this!" said Crash.

"I can do anything" he retorted.

Cocking the gun with one hand he texted a new type of agriculture to farmers in impoverished countries with the other.

"Don't you know".

Taking aim and sighting he also started to invent a new type of language using gestures as well as speaking.

"I have an IQ of 197".


End file.
